First of all — major trigger warning here. This is a story about loss – unimaginable, gut-wrenching loss. But it’s my story and if there’s a mama out there who needs someone to relate to in their time of need, then I want to be there for you. So here we go… keep reading to learn all about my story.
The words I will never forget…. “I’m so sorry. There isn’t a heartbeat.” It’s scathed into my brain and the memory will never leave. It’s been 9 years since this memory and I have 3 beautiful children here on earth will me. But I still know this memory backwards and forwards. After just a little spotting, I went to the emergency room for an ultrasound, just for a little reassurance – but that’s definitely not what I got. I remember being huddled up sobbing in the corner at the ER and being driven home completely numb.
This was already my 3rd loss, but this one is different. I had already heard her heartbeat. I had felt different with this one. I was determined to keep her. I decided to have her tested to see what was going on. So December 23rd I went in for a D&C to have her surgically removed from my body. I remember groggily looking at her remains, still numb to the pain. It was Christmas Eve the next day and I was expected to still go to family functions – still act like I hadn’t just lost my child growing inside of me. That baby girl was due July 29th, so we always celebrate all our rainbow babies on that day. We named her Grace.
Grace – beauty, joy, goodness … the love and mercy freely given by God.
The following weeks, I fell into a deep depression. I gained a lot of weight and cried a lot of tears. A couple months later I got pregnant again. That pregnancy ended up being my gorgeous, sweet (now 8 year old) daughter. Being pregnant with her was so hard though. I was guarding my heart so much that I struggled to connect with her when I was pregnant with her. My daughter is a rainbow baby and I celebrated her as such. She is my rainbow after a truly terrible storm.
A rainbow baby is a baby born after miscarriage or stillbirth.
Since the loss of Grace, I have had seven more losses. I’ve never understood how it’s at all fair that I’ve lost 10 babies. I only hope that my story encourages even just one mama. I am a strong mama and have many beautiful children waiting for me in heaven and I can’t wait to meet them.